About nicktod14

Forever & Always FTK

Spiritual Vagabond

I don’t need your help; I just need your love. I don’t need your words; I just need your support. Though I know our time together will be short, I will learn a great deal about myself because of you. I can only hope I can provide you with that same gift. For when I walk down my path towards my next journey, our chapter has to be closed. I can’t allow any vacant energy to take up room in my soul. Now I know no one can understand why I have to leave, and I can’t really explain it either. But the life of a spiritual vagabond is one of actual solitude. I know if I stay too long I’ll get hurt, but if I leave too early I’ll hurt you. But it’s okay, I don’t mind staying a little later than normal sometimes. I need to be hurt sometimes to remind me I’m alive. Because the life of a spiritual vagabond is a life where you are in the constant unstable mindset trying to find home. So if you will allow me to call this place home one more night, I’ll be okay with that. Hurt me you will, but only because I allow you. Let me walk down my path swaying my head, because at least I have known loss. Though I wish I could have enjoyed the moment more with you, but I knew it was all coming to an end, you have to understand. And you don’t have to worry about me. I know He will guide me down the right path. He led me towards you, and I have faith He will lead me to my next great thing. And maybe that’s what you don’t understand, I wish I can stay longer. I really do. But I need to leave. No, this life doesn’t make me happy now, though I have faith that one day it will. And yes I am alone, but never lonely. Because the life of a spiritual vagabond means that everything you do is with all your heart and soul. So you can never look back with regrets, but only fond memories of the events and people.

I knew from a young age I was different than many people. I have an energy that finds strength in solitude. My aura doesn’t allow my energy to connect with anyone else, but I can feel it. It’s like I can have just a taste, but never a full bite. But the life of a spiritual vagabond means you go through life without any connections. And I think that’s what scares me. The cycle never ends, therefore it must be true. Unable to break into a new routine. Unwilling to compromise the path already provided for me. And yes living the life of a spiritual vagabond means that just sometimes you just wanna scream so loud, but you know no one will hear you. No one will care to hear you. No one will understand how to hear you. And that’s okay because one day those screams will turn into my barbaric yawp for everyone to finally hear. So all I have left to say is thank you. Thank you for sharing your gifts with me, and allowing me to call this place home for a short time. And thank you for letting me go.

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Growing Up

I just finished my first day at my internship at a real big boy job. Today has been in the works for a long time, and now that it has passed it seems surreal. I just remember when I was in middle school and high school, I would be in my room on the weekends. I had nothing to do, no friends, no one but myself. I told myself that it was all going to get better. I told myself that today is temporary and that tomorrow will be better. Most times tomorrow wasn’t better. Most days that light at the end of the tunnel turned dim. But no matter how dim that light got, I always saw it. Of course there have been times of happiness and joy along my journey. Those times were always short lived, but never forgotten. I never forgotten those times, because I wasn’t going to let the fact that they were no more, damper their reality. Memories are as real as the reality once was, because we are never left with any physical reality, but only those memories. I think today has been surreal for me because I never get what I work for. I have gotten used to this constant pattern of being turned away or let down. If I would have allowed the social stigmas to overcome my identity, I would not be here. I wouldn’t be in this very moment enjoying the fruits of my labor. But for some reason I still can’t help but to look back and remember all of those trials and tribulations I have gone through. Yes, in retrospect they might not have been that major, but they have shaped me into the man I am today. And the man I am today is vastly different than the boy who sat in his room all weekend long, alone. A boy that once dreamt of a time when I would truly be free and independent. A time where I could be true to myself and still be successful, because I am the only person who will dictate my success. But for some reason it all still feels like a dream. Statistically, I am not suppose to be here. I can’t help feeling that I am out of place, but I know I’m suppose to be here. I can’t help but to feel that I don’t belong. Nothing more than a mere impostor with the intend to actually become something. This is no coincidence, but His plan all along. And now when I look in the mirror, I see someone who knows what he truly wants. But growing up is scary. And no matter how long you have dreamt this dream, no matter how long you have fought this fight, and no matter how long you have waited; once it becomes your turn it’s still hard not to be afraid. Growing up can be scary, but the only fear I have is failure. I have worked too hard for failure to be an option, and I’m finally have the courage to grow up. Goodnight and Stay Sexy

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Abandoned

I know they are called challenges because are difficult to accomplish, but you know me the best. You know me better than I even know myself, and I struggle with that. And don’t get me wrong, I love challenges but not this one. My heart breaks with the current challenges you face me with. Most days I want to give up, just give up on everything because what is it all for. Sometimes I think I’m fighting just for myself, but I’m not selfish. You know best that my soul calls for something greater. That’s why I don’t understand why you don’t present me with such challenges that allow me to achieve. Maybe you are and I don’t realize it. Maybe you want to make sure that I’m shattered so badly that when I finally start putting the pieces back together, I appreciate it. I just want to be happy. I’m trying to figure how I am able to do that, and I think I know but it’s something I’m unable to accomplish. God I know you hear me, the problem is that I can’t hear you. The whispers have simmered to silence. My deep thoughts have turned into lost journeys and sleepless nights. God you know me the best.  Don’t abandon me like everyone else has… Vacant… Empty… Alone… And when I have thought you abandoned me, you do this. Alas, I again believe that you are guiding me, but I’m still confused to where and with whom you have guided me towards. But I know you lead me towards these encounters, because you want me to learn from other people. Gather experiences and knowledge that will allow myself to continue to walk down the path you have devised. And you don’t push wants and needs aside, but rather, hold me off for a greater reward. Goodnight and Stay Sexy

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Guiding Light

The light at the end of the tunnel illuminates your path. My light seems bleak. Weak with the preconceived ideals of whom I’m suppose to become. When the path turns dark, my mind starts to race. I try to find answers or at least a friendly face. But I’m lost. Confused in whether or not I’m going forward or backwards, I am lost. Its the places we look for our answers that determine which way we shall go. You can’t play in safe when you’re in the dark. You look around and there are no fall backs. Taking risks in life can lead us astray. But if we live a life where we are afraid of making mistakes, then we live in fear everyday. Even when the sun is at its peak and the road still bleak, you must continue to walk. It does not matter the direction your feet choose the take you, but embrace their decisions. Taking risks can return negative gains, but the answers we find, often times, have a higher value than anything wasted. Even when my path is dark I can close my eyes and see light. It is Him whom I must trust in guiding me down the path towards the end of the tunnel, towards the light, towards His ending.. towards my happiness. With each step comes the realization that it does not matter in which direction you step, but rather the significance of each step. And the significance is that it’s not the light at the end of the tunnel that illuminates your path, but rather your faith. And the light is never bleak, but rather we must open our eyes to see the light. And sometimes if you just take one moment from walking, and just breath deep. And hold that breath for just a few seconds before you expel it. And as you let that breath go, you know that everything is going to be okay. That you can continue walking, without succumbing to temptation, down the path He has provided. All the while knowing one day, you will be happy. Goodnight and Stay Sexy

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Calm Before The Storm

Giving up is never a noble cause, but how much burden can one bear? And often as we walk with people around us, we start to understand how we become so isolated. It’s not like we’re alone, but the problems we face are our problems. No one can bail us out, no one can help us out. The only solution is the one we’re able to muster through the overcast. Life builds on top of itself, all the while applying it’s weight onto my shoulders. The weight causing my knees to bucket although I try to put up a fight. Then my eyelids begin to close. I can’t fight forever. And as my lids come closer to kissing, I see the blue in the sky get swallowed by the black. The tiny droplets fall gently  and sink into my skin. It’s the calm before the storm. And with my last gasp of air, I am overwhelmed with the noxious fragrance of rain. The sweet scent filled my lungs. I continue to look at the dark sky knowing that there a strong storm before me. But just like every other storm I have seen before, this one will be over soon enough. And the calm before the storm is actually more violent than the storm, because of the speculation that captures the moment. It’s our own perception that makes the storm dangerous. As the rain falls from the heavens it shall cleanse the earth, and what seemed to be a curse was actually a blessing disgust.  Goodnight and stay sexy 

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Stay With Me

Sometimes when we lay awake in our dark solitude, we start to stare and think. The ceiling is an endless abyss that we allow our thoughts to run through. Somehow we never get tired from constantly running. Running from our thoughts and fears, or at least that’s what we think we’re running from. I see myself just running from happiness. It’s just easier for me to ignore any feeling than realize what i really need. I find comfort in getting lost in that empty abyss. I might not find answers. I might not find any truths. It may all be lies, but at least I’m used to the lies. And when I roll over to close my eyes, I’m just as alone. Just as alone when I had someone sharing my bed a few moments ago. We’re all ‘looking.’ I come off as I know what I’m looking for, but my lies even confuse me. We trick ourselves into believing that we can have these physical connections with people without emotional strings. Just before my 11 O’Clock walks through the door I brainwash my mind. I guess I’m just not good at these one night stands, especially since I don’t intend for them to be. But once midnight rolls around, it gets late. They always leave with a smirk of satisfaction, and I smile back like a fool. We just think it’s part of the game. A game that we think is set to easy, but there is no game. It’s me who is set to easy. The game is a non factor. 12:01 the door closes shut. Stay with me… Stay with me. It’s not that I’m attached. But there is comfort in laying in another’s arms. We lie to ourselves and make believe we don’t need anyone else to make us happy. We don’t need any connection, and that final release is good enough. “Won’t you stay with me, cause you’re all I need. This ain’t love it’s clear to see, but darling stay with me.” Goodnight and stay sexy 

 

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