Orphan

I have been to this rock many times. I have often wondered why I have never jumped off. Why don’t I just end everything? Sometimes I feel like that’s the only way I can get back at them. I wish they just understood the words they tell me. I have always wished for them to understand me, but I know now that, that could never happen. I put so much faith into this rock. I would only hope it is stable and could support me. At this point in my life, I know nothing is stable and only I can support myself. Every time I try to depend on them, there’s always a fight. The war inside my head takes a backseat, because this battle is more important. Sometimes I try to understand why I continue to fight, because I always lose. I never seem to remember that in the moment. I have cried many tears in this rock. Tears of sadness and joy… but mostly sadness. Tears that often make me wonder why I don’t lean a little too much over the edge. I have often said, ‘I can’t stay here anymore,’ but only to myself. I keep many things to myself. They have mistakenly taught me to show no emotion, that way no one can me… not even them. Unfortunately, happiness is an emotion. I really don’t know who I am. I know who I want to be, and I don’t understand why it is so difficult to make that final decision. I am many people. To them I am a failure, nothing. To them I am a brainwashed liberal, which could not be further from the truth. A child with no sense of reality. I guess, I wish they would understand that I would rather live in my fantasy, because reality would mean being with them. That will never be my reality. I wear many faces because I don’t want them to know the real me. It is better that way, because it will make the cut easier. I’ll tell you, this rock has a lot in common with them. However the only difference is, when I am on this rock I feel on top of the world, and with them I am an orphan. Goodnight and stay sexy

Image

Advertisements

Rain

A gentle pitter patter after a harsh gust of wind. The ever changing events cause ever changing emotions. The pure droplets fall in synchronized harmony, creating a swan song for all of despair. First allowing the silence to expose the truths of the many lies that we surround ourselves with. Then, the fury and punishment ensues creating flooding of the streets and flooding of the mind. Creating false stories of our insecurities, fears, and vices that test our emotional strength. The angry roar of thunder. A quick flash of light so no one can hind. Rain allows us to wash away the sadness, anger, and pain. It gives us time to reflect upon the days of sunshine and happiness. Oh how we start to miss those days, as the rain seems endless. Rain gives of the rain to cleanse ourselves of our burdens, and start fresh. The act of just walking, running, singing, or dancing in the rain is a symbol for our freedom and individualism. So I’m gonna go play in the rain now, so i can wash away all of these tears. Goodnight and stay sexy

Image

Vacancy

Laying down defeated, vulnerable, and defenseless. No one shall know the thoughts that consume my mind. The thoughts that allow for the darkness to enter into the light. When reality starts to set in about the universe truth. The universal truth, err at least my universal truth, that I will always be misunderstood. It seems where ever I go, this universal truth seems to follow. The fire of passion that ignites my soul can never be put out. But every so often that flame dims. We all fear darkness, whatever that might mean to us. Because in the darkness lies our fear. Although we have to fight through those fears to once again see the light, sometimes I just don’t want to fight. Everyday have the same exhausting battle only saddens my eyes. Sometimes I have to walk around blind, because I don’t know what else to do. I have to refrain my mind from thinking in fear of my emotions. I refrain from showing any emotion because that is a sign of weakness. The fight leaves me vacant. Lost in who I am, where I am, and who is around me. It all seems like a dream, and I am just waiting to wake up having won the battle. But I continue to just lay on my back in what seems a vulnerable situation. Some people will never understand, and therefore label me aggressive. Those people don’t understand that just because you haven’t seen it, doesn’t mean I do cry. We all have our own coping mechanism, however I prefer not to show mine. Goodnight and stay sexy 

Image 

Shadow Children

With heads hanging low and minds plagued with dark numbing clouds, the shadow children walk endlessly. The light of the moon radiates through the fumigated rivers of the city. Street lights enlighten night walkers of eerie corners. But what lurks between the buildings is a city of its own. The dark alleyways provide a home to those down and misguided. Those who become lost in life, and are unable to find the correct passage that can lead them to the light. Shadow children are unable to find the light. Never able to get ahead, because they get lost in the stark black of achievements they can never live up to. Lost because they connect to someone they have never known, nor will ever know. For some of us, it is easy to create our own light, and for a select few, we understand what it means to live in the shadows. So we try to bend down to shine light on those are in a dark place. We forget about the shadows we cast with each new achievement. The shadow children often get left behind in this world, because they can never find the light. It’s no longer about the mental strength of the shadow children, but the responsibility of those living in the light to remember what it means to be a shadow child. To remember that we all were once shadow children that just needed a push, a path, and a flashlight. Goodnight and stay sexy

Image

Reflection

The demons that hide behind our eye,s hold stories of many truths. Memories help us fight these demons from reaching the surround of our eyes. From spilling over into the shadows and wrinkles holding down our eyes. From exposing the fact that we all are vulnerable. Good memories allow those demons to retreat into the shallow corners of our mind. But what happens when that memory is no more? If we forget? If the demons overpower those memories? I looked into a photograph. I look at an image who shares the same eyes, face, nose, and hair as myself. I cannot be help but stare at the picture. I just stared at the smile on that person’s face and reassures me that I cannot be looking at myself. No one can see the demons behind those eyes, only the beholder. I don’t know who that person is, but maybe I once did or will know in the near future. Reflections show me someone who is happy, but I don’t understand why. It’s not like that person is sad either, but how can one be genuinely happy while having to constantly fight back the demons. Well I guess he is happy that he is creating another memory. Another member of a great army that one day he hopes can finally defeat the demons. But until then… Goodnight and stay sexy

Image

Snapshot

Life is made up of a series of moments. Most of us take these moments for granted because we idly watch life flash before us. There’s something surreal about standing in the middle of a crowd and just taking in the moment. We all have heard the saying ‘time moves with a blink of an eye,’ but I blink as if I’m snapping a picture. A rapid continuum of blinks capture mental snapshots that I will remember forever. Each snapshot is just another picture upon the cork board in my head reminding me of all the happy moments in my life. There is no need for computers, printers, or paper because the memories I will treasure the most won’t be on a Facebook page or in a blog. Those memories will always be in my heart. So there is no need for cameras or cell phones, but we just need to be able to absorb life and our surroundings. We must continue to participate in life and stop being bystanders. Good night and stay sexy

Image

Outside the Margins

I don’t know why I am writing this. I don’t understand why I am feeling this again. It scares me. Not scared in a bad way though; it’s just I’ve been down this road before and the end is not so pleasant. I feel my current emotions are somewhat silly, because they have been created unjustly. The feeling of being alone is felt by many. It is a feeling many of us have either grown accustomed to or have learned the remedy. However, the feeling of being a member, but not within a group is an empty feeling. Being marginalized creates an emotional limbo, which you cannot help but to feel lost. I don’t understand why I feel as such, and I have no one to blame but myself. I think it is because I will not allow myself to break down any of my walls, therefore I will never be within a group. Being outside the group teaching us to watch, learn, but most importantly build walls. At this point I don’t know any other way but to build walls. I would be fooling myself not to say I do this conscientiously. Which is worse, the demon you know or the one you don’t? I am fully aware of this demon, but I don’t know how to control it, nor know if I want to control it. I am safest at a distance. No one can hurt me if I am outside the group. That is probably the biggest lie I have ever told myself. We don’t understand how we can hurt ourselves. In fact, no matter who is in what group or if you are not in a group, the only person that can hurt you is yourself. At this point I’m just rumbling and I haven’t asked anyone to listen, but sometimes it’s nice to know someone cares. Goodnight and Stay sexy

Image